Diari AF...(Cinta? Nafsu?)

Diari ni bermula dari yg paling latest hingga ke permulaan...diari ini adalah diari yg sebenar dan tiada pengubahsuaian yg dilakukan. Demi cinta "sejati" (kononnya), body sanggup diserah.OK move on..bacalahhh


4.5.2003 Sunday, 2.30pg
I have to go to utp today!

3.5.2003 Saturday, 11.30mlm
8.00pg-went to his bro’s house. Nobody there. I got in. we plan to go to teluk batik but apiz tak mandi lagi lol~so sexy huh. See his family video in his pc. meriah tul..mesra sgt.. family die besar
9.30pg-bertolak. Have breakfast kat dataran batu 5. on the way apiz dah start ngantuk. Tukar driver. And apiz tdo until I reached teluk batik.. ampes tul.. but he is so cute! Have wonderful time there.. tp.. orang ramai sgt.. so tak brape bes.. takde privacy.
1.00ptg-bertolak balik. I tertdo sepanjang jalan.. huhuhuh.. penat sgtt! Until jambatan batu 5 baru jaga balik. Went to abg pai’s house. Lucky die tak dpt ikut gi town.
2.15ptg-gi kfc. Apiz waited outside. Met zaty. Hantar zaty gi tusyen. Then apiz n me went to gabungan to have lunch. We makan dalam krete.. hihik. After eating.. apiz said that he want to kiss me. He asked me to kisss him 1st.. huwwaaa malu nye. Segan gilerh! Then we decided to go to the office.. ye laa.. b4 I went to utp
3.45ptg-reached that “historical place”. Aku masuk je.. he terus tarik n give me a deep kiss.Yeah.. I know he miss me.. I miss him too! then we started to hug each other.Today.. he lose his dotdot! Both of us berusaha together.. waaa penat n so sakit.. n so bahagia! Aaaa. I miss that time!
5.30ptg-get back.. huwaa so tired. I sleep until 8.00mlm lol~
11.00mlm-apiz antar my fav food-yong tau fu to my house.. huwaaa.. this is my last time to c him.. I salam n kiss his hand.. arghh apiz.. I miss u a lot! Aaaa.. remember our historical day today yeh.. I love u so much!

2.5.2003 Friday, 9.00mlm
pagi-apiz slept in the office last night lol~ hantu tdo btul. Pick him naik moto n have breakfast at wahab. Then hantar die balik umah. Met bandu kat jalan pasir.. isk isk tak ensem la plak
3.00ptg- have a date again.. hihihi. Jejalan kat fajar, makan ice cream king dlm kete.. heh tak sempat nak kiss.. sabar je lawent to tgk2 only kat taman batu 5. go to abg pai house but he’s not home. Go back to town n met fadhli kat depan bus station. Then both of us makan burger together kat jam condong.. so romantic!
6.00ptg-get home, plan for tomorrow.. heh heh heh

1.5.2003 Thursday
3.00pg-apiz call. He is here! Aaaaaaa! So happy!
10.00pg-he call again n ajak kluar. Gado with ayah 1st! huwaaaa! Met him n he notice that I’m crying. We went straight to our usual place-office hehehe. Rindu sgt la tu. Really cannot tahan! Feel so teransang.. but we still can control ourself! Balik umah kejap sebab nak antar angkerol gi town! Have lunch kat asyraff after that. After lunch.. we went to his friend’s house.. abg li/abg tupai. Went to wahab n sembang2 sambil minum.
5.30-get home

27.4.2003 Sunday, 3.30ptg
I have to balik kg now! Aarghh.. apiz.. pls forgive me sayang.. I’m so menyesal!

26.4.2003 Saturday, 12.30mlm
what I guess is true! Apiz was angry with me! Very very angry! I gado with him tadi.. on the phone.. it is my fault.. I have to terime.. n this is our 2nd perselisihan..huhhh! sian die.. I cry n dunno what to do.. huwwaaa how can I did that stupid thing? Am I lose my mind? Yg paling tak bes.. he said he doesn’t have the mood to balik.. wwaa.. he promise me he want to come back.. arghhh!! I miss him! Tu la shima.. buat pape tanak pk dulu.. padan muka!

25.4.2003 Friday, 11.30mlm
so stupid! A stupid day! I really feel guilty! Aku kluar ngan fad malam tadi. Although we do nothing, but I really rase bersalah to apiz.. because I go out at night.. only the two of us! Apiz said it’s ok but I know.. he is angry.. very very angry.. he never miss call me once! aaaa I’m so sorry!!

19.4.2003 Saturday, 8.30mlm
eena got the matrik penang offer. Thank god! Untung la dierh.. bley study ngan dayah. She will daftar 2 ary lagi-Monday. Huh.. sesorang la aku jwpnye.

18.4.2003 Friday, 3.00ptg
I’m here in ti! So surprise huh! I got utp offer and ayah took me from changlun yesterday. On the way to ti, we-abang,angkerol,mak,ayah n me jejalan at bukit kayu hitam, n penang.. yeah! So happy!

11.4.2003 Friday, 9.00 mlm
a bad day! Awal pagi lagi dah kene mara dgn ayah.. so malang.. but aku dah lali kene camtu. B’coz tak tahan sgt.. met eena after jumaat kat umah lin. Asmida ade sekali. We sembang2 until fad sms me that die on the way balik ti. Met fad at eena’s house.. n surprise.. pakai tudung! Senja balik umah n pack my things. Esok after interview..i’ll go back to changlun! Aaaaaa!

10.4.2003 Thursday, 11.00mlm
yeeaahhh.. I’m in t.intan now! Aku balik sbb sabtu(12/4) ni ade interview jpa. Aaaa so tired! I took 2.00pm bus from changlun. It stop few times at jitra,a.setar n s.petani. reach ipoh around 7!! Lol~ ayah, mak n abg waited for me. After dinner at ipoh, we went back. Here I am! Tak saba nak jumpe eena esok! Deep inside my heart.. I miss apiz a lot! I still save his sms that he sent when I reach my matrik that night. He said sorry coz he was not really temankan me that week.. he said he byk menyusahkan aku n blab la.. huwwaaa.. it’s ok apiz.. I’m ur little girl right? We still can have fun later right? Arghh.. need to hear ur voice now!

4.4.2003 Friday
8.15pg-apiz take me with his bro’s car. Pegi breakfast kat depan sri aman. I have the feeling that ni la last kitorang jumpe. Around 9.30 apiz antar balik. He kiss me only once! He told me. I’ll get my utp offer today! Hope so! I’m so sad.. very very sad! Don’t want to leave my hometown! Don’t want to leave apiz! My parents! My room! My pc! My cats! Aaaaaaaaaa
3.00ptg-that stupid utp said that they’ll inform calon2 yg berjaya later. So stupid! Then I have to bertolak to changlun now!Huwwaaa! Apizzz I need u now! I miss u sayang!! arghh tanak pegi!!

31.3 - 3.4.2003 (Monday-Thursday)
met apiz everyday sepanjang minggu nih.. antar him to the hospital.. visit his father.. met mak die, kakak no.4, abg ipar, and 2 of his younger sis – no’oi n shikin. They r just great.. but I’m so scared of his mom n sis.. gerun. I know that I’m happy.. but isk.. apiz is too busy with his family n didn’t spend much time on me. Rilex shima.. u have to understand ok. Isk.. if utp didn’t answer anything.. I got to go to chganglun tomorrow! But apiz yakin yg utp will answer tomorrow.. tah la apiz... Yg bestnye.. I took my jpa’s offer with apiz kat pejabat pos. die la org 1st yg tau I got that offer.. so bahagia! Got one day.. he teman me shopping brg2 tuk pegi kedah. So happy.. I won’t forget this week. We r like laki bini..hihik. I hope we can pertahankan our relation till the end!

30.3.2003 Sunday, 9.00mlm
feuww.. so tired today~ have some problems with apiz this afternoon.. but luckily we can settle it down.. he cried when I asked him to find another girl..huwwaaa.. I’m so stupid! I love him so much and I want him to puas hati with his life.. that’s all!! Aaaaa!! Today I know that he loves me very very very muchhh!! Then, amik eena n fathi.. go to the hospital.. but fathi jerh yg naik. Ptg lepak kat asyraff.. b4 amik dayah. The 5 of us went lepak at menara condong.. until everyone in my family got angry with me!! Aarghhhh!!!! So malang today!!

29.3.2003 Saturday, 11.30mlm
Really blurr.. met apiz just now. He met mak kat kedai depan and sent me back utk tuka baju. Then we jejalan kat pasar malam. Met his sis family and aziem(Viking). Poor aziem! Bought yong tau fu.. then both of us went to the office.. we start kissing each other..hugging.. we tutup lampu and for the 1st time he lick mine,, huwaaa.. and he put in his finger..arghhh!! oh God!! I taste his sperm 4 the 3rd time. He was a bit ganas tonight.. I dowan to give him anything.. I had try my best.. but.. he said satu ayat yg buat aku rase betul2 tertekan.. I know I was hurt.. I know u love me so much but u cannot say like that.. but.. aku tak layak to feel hurt..I am nothing..I know that..

28.3.2003 Friday, 8.15mlm
apiz balik cni.. his father accident, transfer to hospital ti. I met him at klk jeydran bcoz bus die stop here. Then we go straight to the hospital.. poor him! He was so sad n angry!! I dunno how to calm him.. around 6.30 we went minum at taman ros(depan flat). Met fadhli, Amy, adan n amir.. huwaaa kantoi! I miss apiz a lot but.. time2 camnih he need his family. I got to understand..

23.3.2003 Sunday, 9.30mlm
apiz balik pagi tadi.. sian die.. I wake up at 6.45.. semayang subuh and have breakfast dgn mak.. then tdo balik. I kunci that stupid alarm at 8.15 but..aaaaa! I wake up when he miss call me at 9.20!! aaaa! I rush and bersiap. I pick him at 10.10.. sian die..Then we tgk ticket bus.. lucky he got ti-sabak-kl bus on 1pm. We have breakfast at depan flat, taman ros. We went to umah bandu but die takde. Then we go to town again. Parked kete bawah fajar. Jejalan at fajar and billion. We took sticky picture together at billion.. bes bes! At 12.20 we went back to the parking lot.. b`coz he had to kluarkan the car. Wwaau! Terer tul..respek him..bangga dpt bf terer camtu. Then we go to driving school to habiskan masa. We kiss each other.. so saaaadddd!! We promise that we will try to protect our relation.. we’ll be faithful and loyal!! At the bus station.. he kiss my cheek and I kiss him back. When bus jalan.. I really cannot tahan. I cried..n cried..n cried. Never care that org pandang².. aaaa..sedeyy.. tatau bile bley jumpe lagi.. blan 6?? Lame sgt aarr sayangg!! ;-(
my period datang.. aaaa sakit peruttt!!

22.3.2003 Saturday
2am-apiz reach ti.. angkerol and me pick him.. we kluar rumah at 1am.. lucky that apiz’s brother went to ipoh.. sebab tu aku ade pluang utk amik die. We went to billion at 2 and he look a bit pelik. hehe..die cukur misai.. then the 3 of us went to cm and have a drink until 3am
11.30am-met him. At 1st we plan to meet at 8.30 but he had to pasang 4 pc tuk abg die.. sian..but we dunno where to go..we just jejalan. Then we just lepak near my driving school. We plan to go to manjung.. but have to wait to pick eena at 1.00.
1.00pm-eena call and asked to come to meet efyz at kfc. I met efyz.. not bad. Oja n cico ade sekali. Then kluar balik kfc.. tgk² poji ade dlm kete.. aaaa kantoi! We go back to the driving again and sembang2 a bit. He kiss my cheek few times.. hihik
2.00pm-pick eena n lin depan kfc and send them back. Eena had to go to kl at 3.30. then apiz n me bertolak to manjung.. feuww~ we sembang² a bit sambil holding hands. Reach manjung around 2.45 and went jejalan at fajar. Then we have lunch at satu restoren cekik darah.. 1st time aku makan perut lembu.. sedapp!!
4.15pm-bertolak balik. Reach here at 4.45.. laju gilerh die bawak.. We forgot to beli ticket tadi and rush to town..but..sold out! Then we decide to go to our usual place-office. I get up 1st b`coz die nak beli air. Die masuk je.. die trus tarik me and kiss me deeply.. I know he miss me a lot! I miss him a lot too! then we sit down and kiss each other pepuas. I taste his sperm for the 2nd time.. this time I telan it.. yakk tak sedap! Then I lay my head on his chest and he hugs me tightly.. I miss that wonderful time.. I just lay beside him doing nothing.. so romantic!! Balik at 6.30
8.30pm-Apiz asked me out.. but he cannot pinjam his bro car.. I need to see him.. I miss him.. I know die pon camtu.. lucky mak bagi. At 9.30 when ayah kluar.. I use his car and met apiz. We just lepak at bandar baru and have a long talk.. we kiss few times.. b4 11 we get back
11.45pm-chat with him on irc.. aaaaa.. seedy.. he had to get back.. after we stop chatting.. he called me.. we gayut kejap b`coz both of us were very tired!!
2am-I’ll sleep jap lagi… aaaa.. apiz.. I love u so much sayang.. I just dowan to lose u!! I am crying now.. I can’t tahan anymore.. thanks b’coz give me a wonderful time today!!

21.3.2003 Friday, 8.00 mlm
aaaaaaaaa!!!! Apiz balik… yey yey! Yey yey! Yey yey! Feel like wanna jump! 1st I got angry b`coz die tipu.. he said he cannot balik.. but actually die dah rancang mmg nak balik this week!! Ampeh tul.. but poor him.. he terkandas at pudu.. lucky he got 11pm ticket.. he will reach here at 2am.. poor him.. I really terharu.. die sanggup balik only to see me.. and bersusah payah just for me.. aaaaa. I love u so much apiz. u make my love for u stronger..can’t wait to c u..pls..let me pick u..

20.3.2003 Thursday, 11.00 mlm
bersyukur.. I got interview offer for utp.. tomorrow I have to go to utp. Fad want 2 tumpang bcoz his father cannot send him.. yey at least ade kawan. But I really scared now.. I’m scared that I’ll fail. I want UTP! It is my dream and I have to do well tomorrow.. I have to trust myself that I can do it! Ya allah terangkan la hati aku esok.. semoga aku dapat jwp semua soalan dgn baik.. amin
apiz tak dpt balik this weekend.. huwaaa! Not only this weekend.. next weekend also cannot.. he has to go for a camp.. aaaaa! I can do nothing! I have to understand and accept that he has his commitment also.. so.. be cool shima.. as long as both of us faithful to each other rite?

15.3.2003 Saturday, 2.30 ptg
I really blurr today. Dunno y. I’ve got my license yesterday.. and dah brape kali I drove car to town. Kan bes kalau apiz ade.. I really miss him a lot! I really hope that I can c him b4 I go to matrik… aaaaaaaaaaaa.. apiz balikkk laaaaaa.. huwwaaaaa!!!

13.3.2003 Thursday, 3.30 pagi
tak dpt tdo. Tatau kenape. Baru je lepas online. Dayah ngan fatey gado lagi. Sian kat dayah. Sian kat fatey gak. Dah 2 taun diorang sesame. Aku really tanak diorang break. Fatey pls.. I’m counting on u! dayah tu tak cukup matang lagi.. pls understand her! Huh.. hope diorang ok.

5.3.2003 Wednesday, 6.00 ptg
today kene marah dgn ayah lagi.. derhaka ke aku ni? Ayah kluar lagi perkataan ‘anak derhaka’ tu.. two words yg aku paling benci dlm dunia ni. I already know that die mmg tak sayang aku.. so nak sedey kenape kan?Tah la.. sepatutnye aku dah lali dgn sikap ayah.. tp hari ni aku betul² tak dpt tahan lagi.. takde langsung ke sikit sayang utk adik yah? Sikit pon jadi laa.. adik betul² teringin nak ayah layan adik dgn baik.. sampai hati ayah marah adik depan eena, dayah & abg die. Ayah tak patut malukan adik mcm tu. Ye yah.. sume bende adik buat salah bagi ayah.. tak penah ade yg betul.. adik akan buktikan pada ayah yg adik boleh berdikari. Satu hari nanti ayah tetap akan bangga dgn diri adik.. kan yah? Adik takkan susahkan ayah.. Lame² nanti ayah akan sedar yg ayah dah abaikan adik.. tak pedulikan adik.. selalu marah adik.. kan yah?

4.3.2003 Tuesday, 8.30 mlm
HuwwwwAAAaaa! Soooo sad! Apiz balik to ilp today. I went to the bus station this morning to send him. Bas abg pkul 9.30 so I follow ayah time hantar abg. I met apiz at the bus station. We went for minum kat belakang stesen bas. Around 10am we jenjalan at fajar, aik aik n billion. He curi² kiss my cheek at bllion escalator once. We hold hands few times and deep inside my heart I know that I was very happy. But I sedey oso b’coz lepas ni dah tak dpt jumpe die. Huwaaa! Around 11.15 the bus came. B4 he get in the bus, he sumpah to me that die takkan cari lain.. he’ll be faithful to me.. he said DEMI ALLAH. I just want to hug him that time. I salam and cium his tangan. When the bus jalan.. I started to cry. I really cannot tahan. Sayu! nangis until angkerol dtg. Apizzzzz! I need u sayang! I don’t know how I will survive if u r not around. I know that I’ve promised u that I’ll take care of myself... I’ll try not to cry.. I love u so much..remember that!

3.3.2003 Monday, 11.45 mlm
I met him again this morning. Abg met him, 1st time. Abg, eena, apiz and me went to changkat jong utk amik kete abg apiz. We have breakfast there b4 we separate. Apiz n me went to tapah to take his bank card and abg n eena went to ipoh. Met ayiem kat tapah. We reach ti around 12 and take mc from victor’s clinic. Then apiz drop me at penso b’coz he have to amik his brother from sch. Malang betul! Penso tutup. I just sit there like org bodo until oja n Melissa come. I follow oja to kfc. Then I met ‘that cruel animal’!! I was so takut n cry depan oja. Luckily dayah sampai. But ayah die dah dtg. Gosh! Later, apiz sampai. I feel very lega n I just want to peluk apiz that time.. We walked to fajar until my bro come. Feuuw! Sampai umah about 4. I met apiz again around 5 kat mastan ghani tmn ros. He lepak there with his cousin. Time balik, apiz sent me and he hold my hands along the way. I kiss his pp once. Then around 9 mlm.. we have dinner at asyraff. Abg, angkerol, dayah, eena n me dtg naik kete. We met apiz n his cousin there. Then we just sembang sembang until 10.30. so tired~ I miss him! I miss him a lot! Esok die dah nak balik! Aaaaaa!

2.3.2003 Sunday, 8.30 mlm
huwaaa! I met apiz today. He came back here just b’coz of me.. aaaa! Apiz.. I really love u! he reach here around 2.30. abg send me to the bus station and I met him there. 2 weeks never c him.. miss him so much! Then we makan mee at mastan ghani(town). Pastu we decide to go to his brother’s office. We lepak there until 6.00. we kiss and for the 1st time.. I taste his sperm. Our date was full of gelak gelak and main main.. lol~ then we walk to pasar mini hutan melintang 2gether n wait 4 angkerol to fetch me.

26.2.2003 Wednesday, 10.00 mlm
I got my spm result today. Thank god! I really bersyukur for what I’ve got. I got 3A1, 4A2, 1B4(sej), 1C5(bio). It’s not that bad. I really bersyukur b’coz I know that I never bersedia for my spm! I told apiz bout this news and he was very happy! I really hope that I can meet him this weekend. I miss him so much and I want to tell him that I really love him! I want to let him know that I am serious this time. I don’t want to play play with anybody or with anything! I want to be serious on my study and of course on him. I really need to see him! Pls.. come back apiz!

24.2.2003 Monday, 8.00 mlm
today pegi driving. Tak larat dah. huwaaa.. bile nak dpt lesen nih! Balik driving, fathi amik. So the 3 of us went tu bandar baru for lepaking. Around 12 we went to fajar and have fun. Fathi challenge us to play games up there-lumba kete.. hahaha.. dayah menang. we have lunch at asyraff b4 sent us to dayah’s house. Around 6pm dayah n me jejalan naik moto. Feel free! When I come back home.. I got a very very good news-period! At least I know that I’m not too malang…

22.2.2003 Saturday, 1.00 ptg
thanks a lot yah! Timer kasih sebab layan adik mcm ni. Timer kasih sebab langsung tak pedulikan adik time adik tgh demam teruk nih. Timer kasih sebab taknak bwk adik pegi klinik semalam! Timer kasih sebab ayah lebih sanggup tidur dpd pk kan demam adik! Timer kasih sebab ayah tak penah teringin pon nak rasa leher adik yg panas ni! Timer kasih sebab ayah dah buktikan pada adik yg ayah mmg tak sayang adik.. tak penah peduli pasal adik! ayah buat adik yakin yg adik mmg tak layak hidup lagi! Org mcm adik ni mmg patut mati kan yah?! Mesti ayah nyesal sebab lahirkan adik kan? Adik dah tak sabar nak pegi jauh yah! Nak pegi jauh dpd sini…

20.2.2003 Thursday, 1.30 ptg
I am crying right now. Ayahhhhh!!! Pls.. don’t do this to me. Don’t u know that I love u so much! Can’t u feel it? Sometimes I feel that I’m not ur doughter. That’s y u treat me like this. Ayah.. adik betul2 tertekan. Sepatutnye sekarang ni.. semua orang bagi sokongan kat adik utk terus hidup. Lepas peristiwa tu adik dah takde semangat nak hidup lagi! Adik dah hampir bunuh diri! Adik dah putus harapan! Ayah tau tak??!!!! ayah buat adik makin tertekan! Adik dah cube jadi anak yg baik utk ayah. Adik x penah mintak ape² dpd ayah. Adik sanggup korban kan duit blanje sekolah adik utk bayar internet. 2 tahun yah.. 2 tahun adik tak penah makan time rehat. Adik tgk je org lain makan. Adik sekat selera makan adik sendiri. Bile ayah hantar duit kat abg ngan angkerol utk beli bukan2, adik tak penah cemburu. Adik diam je. Baru bulan ni adik x bayar yah. Tu pon RM35 je. Bukan besar sgt kalau nak banding dgn bil time gold abg! Adik dah x derh blanje sekolah. Duit adik tinggal tu je! ambik la yah. Ambik sumer yg tinggal! Huwaaaaaaa!! Tp yah.. adik betul² dah tak larat nak idup lagi. Adik dah penat yah. Adik dah cukup malang selame ni!!

19.2.2003 Wednesday, 10.00 mlm
hari nih demam. Ludah siap berdarah lagi. But.. who cares? Nobody cares! This morning ade ‘nilai’. Nasib baik dpt 16/20. kalau fail x dpt ambik test 26hb nanti. Time balik, hantar makanan kat fathi. Then lepak kfc with dayah, ct, ainil & ayiem, fara & naz.. Miss eena a lot! Just now.. I called apiz. Miss him a lot! Happy to hear his voice. I love u so much apiz! I really do! Tapi.. aku sedar,, aku tak layak utk mengharapkan anything from u!

16.2.2003 Sunday, 3.00 ptg
tired but happy~! Pagi tadi, apiz send my moto with bandu. He wears my sweater.. so sweet. He asked me to send him. Then mak hantarkan kat town. We look for the bus ticket..yg ade pon pkul 11. that time pon dah pkul 10. then we went to azam brothers.. takde jugak.. we bertembung dgn abg hafiz(baby_carlitos). Huwaa! Kantoi! Apiz ajak breakfast kat seblah azam brothers. After makan, we walked to fajar b’coz beruang sekor tu takde berus gigi.. lol~ he hold my hands sampai fajar. This is my 1st time… I feel safe. He makes me feel safe. Cool ha~ I told him, I’ll teman him sampai bidor. Along the way, we sembang about many things. He kiss my cheek few times. Sampai bidor, we went to lepak at one basketball gelanggang. He kiss me once. He asked me to be honest and faithful. Don’t worry apiz.. I will! I promise u! then die naik bas pkul 1.00 to t.malim. I naik bas to ti around that time also. Reach ti around 2pm. Really miss him! Bulan 6 kejap je lagi. Sabar la kan. Can’t wait to tell eena about this story!

15.2.2003 Saturday, 10.30 mlm
huwaaaa! I love u! I love u ! I love u! I love u so much apiz! I really do! Apiz reached ti around 5.30. he asked me to come to pekan baru n see him. I told emak already about us. I go to p.baru naik moto alone. hujan renyai renyai time tu. But I don’t care. I just want to see him. Really miss him! Then he bawak me with that moto to his brother’s office. Only the two of us there. He hold and kiss my hands. I don’t know what to do. He asked me whether he can kiss me or not… lol~ then I just keep quiet. Then die stand up and tarik me.. He peluk my pinggang and give me a deep kiss. Dunno y, when he kiss me, I feel selamat and tenang. My heart was very damai. We have our “romantic” time there. He kiss me until my tounge n lips lebam. Hujan makin lebat.Time tu dah pkul 8. Then we decided to go to cm. When he turn off the lights, I got scared. I really scared! Aku teringat that cruel thing! Then apiz dtg dekat and say.. “jangan takut shima, apiz ade” he hugs me strongly and kiss me again.Then we went to cm in the heavy rain. We have dinner at “nasi ayam Singapore”. Until 10, hujan makin lebat. Then die balik naik moto and amik kete. He send me to my house with the car. He wants my sweater and I give him. I really happy when I see him wearing my sweater. Rase dihargai.. esok die dah nak balik. waaa! I want to send him~

15.2.2003 Saturday, 1.00 ptg
baru balik dpd rumah embah. Really tired. Apiz belum bertolak pon. But I can feel that he will come. He had to wait 4 my birthday n valentine’s card.. Huh! Wait n wait n wait. Just wait shima. He’ll come. Don’t worry shima.

14.2.2003 Friday, 8.30 mlm
apiz told me that he’ll come tomorrow. Wwaaa! Can’t wait to c him! But I have to balik kg mak now! X dapat chat dgn die malam ni. It’s ok la.. b’coz esok dpt jumpe. Really lega! I just need him to be at my side and give sokongan to me. And he really do!

14.2.2003 Friday, 4.00 pg
just now, I gayut with apiz. I bought a ring ring card and call him. I miss him a lot. B4 that, both of us have an irc chat. I send him a valentine’s card via email and he send me back. He forced me to make a report! Oh no! pls apiz.. I just need a peaceful life now! I don’t want to remember anything about that cruel thing! I want to build a new life. That’s all. Biar la die dapat balasan Tuhan. Sepanjang malam valentine ni, we talk romantically. Yes apiz, I love u dearly! I have to tdo now.. esok ade driving. I miss u so much. I really need to see u apiz. Pls come here…

12.2.2003 Wednesday, 11.30 mlm
today was hari raya haji. Today I psiko again. This is the first hari raya yg aku sambut without that thing. I really feel downnn! Around 10am, I went to eena’s house with dayah. I was sick to sit alone in my house. Dah petang sket, that binatang send me a sms. He told me to read his email. Then I start teringat balik what has he done to me! I get sick! I cannot control myself! I cried like org gilerh! I don’t think about anything, I just need to cry! Poor eena n dayah! Aku siap kunci diri dlm bilik eena. I feel empty! They give me all the kekuatan that I need, like apiz. Then I lay on the bed thinking of nothing. I really got blurr that time! Just now, I told apiz what had happened at eena’s house. He calm me down. I promised him that I won’t cry again. I really want to keep the promised. I’m sick of crying! I was very hungry.. very very hungry! But I couldn’t eat anything! I couldn’t telan anything! I want to eat.. I want to eat.. but I just cannot! Help meeeeeee!!!

11.2.2003 Tuesday, 6.20 ptg
apiz met me again today, although I told him that aku tak layak utk jumpe die! He came to the driving school and pick me there. He sent dayah n eena to fajar. Then we went to smk seri setia to send printers. After he parks his car, he starts to hold my hands. He said berulang kali yg die sanggup terime aku. I dunno what to answer. He holds my hands again in the seri setia office. Then we went to the town again. He parked his car depan dikit dpd my driving school. We sembang a lot of things! He asked me to be his girl! I got so confuse! I sayang him, the only thing I knew that time. I really love him! He kissed my cheek n my dahi few times. Then he sent me back. B4 I get out,I asked him honestly..he said that he loves me so much! I hold n kiss his hand. He kissed my cheek deeply. He renung me deeply n he tarik my dagu. Then we got a real kiss! He sucks my tounge softly n I sucks his tounge back! He said he loves me! He kissed me again b4 I turun! I was really blurr now! Wwaaaa! Aku bersyukur pada Allah! Aku betul betul bersyukur kerana telah menemukan aku dgn cahaya kegembiraan. Moga kegembiraan ni kekal abadi, insya Allah. After he sent me, he had to balik kg kat sungkai.. b’coz esok dah raya huwaaa!~

10.2.2003 Monday, 12.30 mlm
morning-bgn pagi. Didn’t feel anything. Like mayat hidup. Dunno what to think. Apiz called, n he wants to c me. I dunno what to answer. Went to driving school. Feel very empty. Went to belakang toilet. Dunno what to do. Feel so dowwnnn! Start crying. I cried.. and cried and cried! Don’t care about anything, just cried hardly! Apiz called again.. and he came to the driving school. Met him 4 the first time. I saw eena n dayah came. I saw they luogh happily. Feel so lonely. I just want to get away from that place! Apiz bawak pi tmn ros.. to his brother office. I sit there n cry. I cry like a crazy person. Apiz calm me down. He hugs me, he kisses my hands, he kisses my cheek, he kisses my dahi. He hold my hand tightly. But I didn’t tell him anything about my problem. He is a good person. I know that. Bile aku dah ok sket, he tinggalkan aku kejap. He asked me to c ada apa dgn cinta. I start to feel alone again. I saw “ada apa dgn cinta” n feel that aku tak layak to be a teenager. I am shit!!! I sit alone under a table n cry hardly. I wanna die!!!!!
Tgh hari-eena called. Eena, dayah, fathi n epoi was so risau! They think that I was kidnapped by someone. Finally they found me. I love u eena! I love u dayah! I love both of u sooo muccchh! But I can’t tell u anything! I just cannot! They calm me down n pujuk me to turun. Then all of us went to the bas station, hantar epoi balik mmu. Tq so much epoi! Then the five of us went to bandar baru and have some drinks. Then fathi plan nak pi lata kinjang. He wants me to calm down.
Ptg-eena, dayah, fathi, billa, apiz n me went to lata kinjang. Aku tenang sket. Aku berendam dalam air puas². I feel that apiz really takes care of me.. But what for? Apiz.. u don’t know anything about me! U just don’t know! Nanti ko sure nyesal!
Senja-get home. Mak n ayah marah teruk b’coz I didn’t tell them. The main reason-aku tak bank in duit abg. They don’t understand! They don’t know what had happened to me!
Malam-apiz called. He asked me to chat. He forced me to tell him everything. Aku dah cukup terseksa! Aku dah tak tahan lagi! I told him, but I didn’t tell him everything! I told him b’coz I don’t want him to disturb me anymore! He said he loves me. But aku tak layak utk die! Aaaaaaaa! I cried again! I knew that I’ve fall in love with him the 1st time I met him this morning, no no no.. I start to fall in love on him when I saw his pic for the 1st time.. when we have a nakal² chat 2gether.. but it is too late now! Too late apiz! Pls.. don’t accept me just b’coz u kesian at me.. u’ll make me makin terseksa.. plssss… don’t come near me!! Get away from me.. plsssssssss!!

9.2.2003 Sunday, 11.30 mlm
FEEL SO DOWN! I WON’T FORGET THIS DAY FOREVER! Y ME? Y ME??? TODAY I LOST THE MOST VALUEBLE THING IN MY LIFE! I WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO DIE! AKU TAK SANGGUP! I HATE THAT CREATURES! I CRIED ALL OVER THE DAY! I DIDN’T EAT ANYTHING FROM THIS MORNING!! WWAAA!! IF ONLY I CAN TURN BACK THE TIME! IT IS TOO LATE NOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! EENA N DAYAH CALLED ME N I PUTUSKAN OUR FRIENDSHIP! I’M NOT THEIR FRIEND ANYMORE! HUWAAAAAA!! YA ALLAH..

8.2.2003 Saturday, 11.30 mlm
I hate! I hate! Aku benci abg! Die takde hak utk read my diary! I don’t care if he knows all my rahsia, but I don’t like ppl touch my thing! Aargghhhh! He sanggup do that to me! I won’t trust ppl anymore! I told ead and he asked me back.. “shima percaye abg tak”. I dunno what to answer. Then I told him.. I trust him(am i?).. Aarghhhhh! I cried hardly. Hate abg!

7.2.2003 Friday, 5.00 ptg
go to pusat latihan memandu this morning. Ead wants to come. He forced me.. I really dowan to c him.. arghhhh.. benci btol dgn org yg ske pakse!! Aku dah start menyampah with him! Then, around 11.30 am, eena, dayah n me walked to ice-cream house. He belanja honey dew float. Eena n dayah went to pensotech. Then ead bawak pi naik aik aik. Die siap ponteng semayang jumaat. Huh! About 1.30 I walked to penso. Then ayah eena ambik.

6.2.2003 Thursday, 11.00 pg
abg dah balik pg tadi. Feuuww~ lega sket.

5.2.2003 Wednesday, 11.45 mlm
Morning-went to driving school(bwk kete in town).
Afternoon-fathi pick us up. Eena, dayah, fathi, me and this handsome epoi(odei) went to kfc. Fathi gado with dayah(as usual)and they want to settle it. Fathi and dayah sat at another table.. Then eena and me had to layan epoi.. Epoi tu best.. best sgt sembang dgn die. About 2.00pm they sent us back. After dropped eena..fathi asked epoi to drive.. epoi asked me to drive.. elee.. I knew their tujuan. Fathi wanted to sit beside dayah at the back.. ahh peduli ape, janji dapat drive.. I DROVE! From pekan baru.. then desa bakti. Aaaaa~ best best. Epoi teach me a lot. Thanks epoi. Kalo aku takde ead(I was hoping).. I think I’ll fall in love with him.
Evening-about 3.00 the sent me n dayah to my house. Then abg ade idea best. Abg ajak aku, eena n dayah pegi lumut. Aku ade idea lagi best. Ajak fathi n epoi. Although ade byk problem at 1st.. 6 of us tetap gi lumut. Go go epoi. We tgk sunset kat teluk batik, took pictures and have fun.
Night-dinner at lumut. Tah laa.. rase mcm dah fall in love kat epoi. He is a good guy.. cute.. and have all the ciri² I want. Dunno when I can see him again. Miss him a lot. After makan, went for a while to fateh’s house(kwn abg). Met farah n tipah.. tak kenal. Then we balik. Aku tidur sepanjang jalan lol~ Sampai cni about 11.30pm. hantar fathi n epoi 1st..pastu dayah and eena. So tired n miss epoi a lot. Waaaa

1.2.2003 sabtu, 11.00 mlm
gath #t.intan pagi nih. Aaaaa! Just like shit. Nobody handle it. So bad! Buat malu je. Aziem kelentong hidup². Batang hidung die pon tak nampak. But.. today I met ghazali – the alam shah guy.. and rizal (nuke_silo) – antara org terawal yg kenal aku kat irc. Ghazali is a handsome guy.. one thing yg aku tak pernah sangke. So handsome until I can forget ead. Aku jadi a very bad girl today. Aku buat ead macam tunggul. He was very upset.. he should. He came to kfc and see eena and me was sit with umai(Esc),amin(kebab_ayam) & 3 of amin friends. Balik je rumah.. I really menyesal and call him. He asked her mother to pick up the phone. Aaaaa.. really scraed. Luckily lepas tu he called back. Nasib baik we can settle it.. feuuwww.. but.. dunno y.. deep inside my heart.. I cannot feel the power of love anymore. Am I make a wrong decision? I start to feel that he is not ‘the one’ for me…

27.1.2003 isnin, 3.00 ptg
wwaaaa~ best nye! Today I drove a car. It’s not so difficult. Dunno when I can get the real license. Tak sabar~

26.1.2003 ahad, 11.30 mlm
huhhhh! Penattttt! Jumaat lepas pegi kl. Hari sabtu malam hantar opah pi kelana jaya. Semoga opah selamat mengerjakan ibadah haji. Hari ni baru balik. Aaaaaa.. miss ead so much

23.1.2003 khamis, 2.30 ptg
so happy~ lol. Adan called just now. The gado was over. Thank God!

23.1.2003 khamis, 1.10 pagi
just quit from irc. I can’t take it anymore! Adan.. stop gado with me.. PLS.. it’s hurt! It hurt me a lot! I knew u since form 1.. do u want our friendship end just like that? I don’t want to lose u.. trust me.. u mean a lot to me.. u never know how much u mean to me. U always help me whenever I have problems.. u called me when I was crying.. did u still remember that sweet time? We grown up together adan.. do u want to forget all that? Pls adan..I’m so saddddd right noww!!!

16.1.2003 khamis, 11.30 mlm
I went for my driving test (ujian bertulis only) this morning at 8.30am and I didn’t study for it! But I manage to get 45/50. eena was doing great.. 48/50 and dayah got 44/50. After the test, we went to kfc.. have lunch. Then we jalan² and cari hp casing - aik aik, fajar but tak jumpa yg cun. Went to pensotech until ayah datang utk ambik mak dalam pkul 6pm. Then singgah bandar baru.. cari lagi. Lastly jumpa kat one kedai hp… feuww~ bought that silver casing for dayah’s present (RM15). Mak blanje makan kat antony (tmn. Ros). At 7.30 baru balik.. aaaaa.. soooo tired! But today was a really great day! Hope when kitorang dah besar nanti.. eena, dayah n me still can have fun together like this~

15.1.2003 rabu, 9.30 mlm
bersyukur! Around 3pm, miss lee from billion call. I came to billion at 4pm. After interview me for about half an hour (in English), she offered me to work there as a receiptionist.. wow.. that’s great! I have to start work on 3rd February.

14.1.2003 selasa, 5.30 ptg
I went to biliion this morning. Mintak keje, isi borang n all that. Najlaa was working there n she ask me to work there... I hope dapat

9.1.2003 khamis, 6.00 ptg
genap seminggu, I met him again! Huuh.. a bit rimas..

2.1.2003 khamis, 12.00 mlm
it was like a dream! I went out around 9.15.. lol~ lewat bangun.. janji pkul 8.30. ead call when he reached here.. only that time aku bgn dpd tdo.. lol. Lucky he didn’t get angry. Then we went to our usual place.. aahh.. I realize that he was a funny guy.. he always made me lough.. kelakar betul. Then we balik around 5pm..

1.1.2003 rabu, 11.30 mlm
yeahhhhh!! I’m 18 now. Sweet 18 huh. Esok ade date with ead.. aaa.. tak sabar!

22.12.2002 ahad, 7.00 ptg
Today I hang out with eena n dayah. So tired. Last night I slept at 4 bcoz I gayut with ead (like usual).. heh lol. I bought a shirt – pinjam duit eena. Balik fathi hantarkan and then die date ngan dayah.. jelesnye.. kan bes kalo ead ade with me here that time.. I miss him a lot!

19.12.2002 khamis, 11 mlm
Aku jumpa ead hari ni kat our usual place. He took me at 2 pm and he sent me back at
5.15pm. I miss him ssooo much. He look cute with his smile. I can feel the happiness inside me every time I was with him.


18.12.2002 rabu, 10 mlm
Yeahh! I fall in love again.. but that time I already have jimi (although our relation dah start dingin).. so I never care about him. He always try to tackle me..and selalu mintak no phone. One day aku tersalah hantar sms pada die... that day was 1st May 2002 (Wednesday).. Lepas tu kitorang start balas sms. Actually aku layan die sebab.. I want to give a revenge to jimi yg ade girl lain.. I’m not serious at first…

1.5.2002 rabu, pagi
Tersalah hantar sms pada ead.. then die reply.. kitorang start balas sms. Just want to release tension.. because bengang kat jimi.

4.5.2002 jum, malam
really tired about yesterday.. b’coz sukan n nangis sepanjang hari.. yesterday was my 1st anniversary but it berlalu macam tu je. Ead ask me if I want to be his girl (with sms). I accept without having a deep thinking.. b’coz aku mmg tgh very upset.. then we declare sebagai couple.

8.5.2002 rabu, malam
told ead that aku dah break dgn jimi.. I told him about jimi already.. b’coz aku serik utk hiding something.. lebih baik aku berterus terang.

4.12.2002 rabu, 10.00 pg
Aku ambil keputusan nekad break dpd jimi buat kali ke-2… betul-betul 2 hari sebelum Hari Raya Aidilfitri (6/12). Aku dah nekad utk setia dgn ead b’coz I really really love him.. and I want to be loyal. I cried and it hurts me a lot. I realized that jimi is important to me.. but I have to choose between ead n jimi.. congratulation ead.. I CHOOSE U! I hope that I don’t make a wrong decision.

17.12.2002 selasa, 8.30 pg
I have a really wonderful date today! He took me at my house around 8.30. our destination was lata kinjang. But kat tgh jalan ade road block. So we jalan-jalan around tapah, ayer kuning, mambang di awan until we stop at kampar.

14.10.2002 isnin, 9.30 pg - I have a really romantic date with ead.. no sch. today bcoz cuti pmr. I dunno about my feeling now.. but I think I fall in love again.. like last time when I was with jimi.

13.10.2002 ahad, 1.30 ptg - terjumpe jimi kat town ngan dayah, eena & zaty.. time tu ead pon ade.. I’m so saaddd.. aku terlalu sombong pada jimi.. I know that I tak patut threat him like that but.. aaaaaaaa..poor jimi! maybe I love ead more than him now..




3.5.2001 khamis, ptg - declare sbg couple(irc), demam panas-40 - so keliru

8.5.2001 selasa, ptg - 1st time call, tak byk cakap - so takut + nervous


18.7.2001 rabu, ptg - 1st time met, took picture(he paid), he touch shoulder & paha(atas moto)
- he was soo cute(kedai fox)
20.7.2001 jumaat, mlm - 2nd met, 1st kiss(padang tmn jaya),hugs - so romantic



20.10.2001 sabtu, pg - birthday party(tmn), jimi pi pangkor, promised that he will celebrate on
2002, no gifts! - i was hurt
7.11.2001 rabu, mlm - 'it' happened again(pintu 10)-worst, kisses, hugs dari belakang, bites,
'touching' - i'm the happiest girl
9.11.2001 jumaat, ptg - went out dgn fara, ainil, meet him at aik aik(die lambat), bought ring, he
sarungkan, engage already - he is mine & I’m him
9.11.2001 jumaat, mlm - kluar(bandar baru), kissing, hugging, bites, ‘touching’, polis kaco,
sembang², promise that both of us will b faithful - feel safe





30.12.2001 ahad, mlm - juara lagu, the relation was normal, not angry anymore -thank god!


13.3.2002 rabu, mlm - he said that he tak nak terikat(phone), I’m having test - feel so empty!


3.5.2002 jumaat, ptg - sukan, anniversery berlalu camtu je (sms x dilayan), cried all over the
day, I know that I’m a loser – my heart was DAMN EMPTY!
8.5.2002 rabu, ptg - chat(irc), break dgn rasmi (cara baik) -->problem settle - accept the fate

20.5.2002 isnin, 1.00 pg - sms, continue back our love, at 1st I was very heppi, but now… I don’t
know wether it is the right decesion for me - so confuse… ya allah

14.7.2002 ahad, malam - jimi called..die ade kat ti & ajak jumpe kat kfc hari isnin lepas sekolah

15.7.2002 isnin, 2.00 ptg - 1st met this year….long time no see him.. met him at kfc with dayah,
eena,fathi & adik after school.. die blanje sampai RM30.

17.7.2002 rabu, 3.00 ptg - jimi, fathi, dayah & me went to lata kinjang.. holding hands kat tepi
sungai, main air, feel like wanna hug & kiss him like last time but..
naahh.. he kissed curi² kat pp & I kissed his pp back.. that’s all!


play sms on Friday night – 19/7.. die ajak tunang after spm but.. heh.. don’t trust him anymore

have phone sex on 20/7 - Saturday morning b4 he went back to jengka>
till today – 25/7 Thursday… no berita about him.. feel sooo confuseeee about our love!

He’ll be back next week on Friday 4 Oct 02 (he told me). I feel so scared now! Dunno y..
I know.. deep inside my heart.. I still have feeling on him.. but.. arrghhh.. I know that no matter how best we try.. our relation still won’t work out. I have tu accept that aku ngan jimi mmg langsung tak serasi!

P/S: Cinta sejati memang tak ada, sungguh keji...menggunakan alasan cinta untuk berlaku noda.....